The Nativity

The Brat Child loves putting out the Nativity

also known as "The Jesus People"

He enjoys using them as army men

and having a battle. 

Do You Believe?

Brat Child: Some of my friends don't believe in Santa.
Me: Some people don't.
Brat Child: They think their mom does it all, but how could their mom be everywhere in one night?
Me: I don't know. Some people don't believe something if they can't see it. Have you ever seen a million dollars?
Brat Child: No
Me: But there is such a thing as a million dollars right?
Brat Child: Yeah
Me: Right, even though you've never seen it, you still know that it's real.
Brat Child: I get it! Like Bigfoot! Some people don't think he's real but he is because there are people who have seen Bigfoot.  Bigfoot and Santa are just the same!

It's an Angel, It's a Bird.. No! It's Mothman!

Me: Oh, here's the angel you made last year at Sunday School.
Brat Child: Angel?
Me: Here, see, the one with the Bible verse on the back.
Brat Child: That's Mothman.
Me: Mothman? I'm sure it's an angel.
Brat Child: No, that's Mothman.

Read about Mothman here
(Let's not ask about that interesting blue line....)

Accidental Biter

 A long time ago when the Brat Child was about 3:

Me: Did you bite someone at daycare? 
Brat Child: yes, but by accident. 
Me: How do you bite someone by accident? 
Brat Child: This boy hit me so hard and I couldn't see my mouth and it just bite him.

Cat and Mouse

Brat Child: When you're in the playground, you gotta stay far away from Autumn.
Me: Why? What's wrong with Autumn?
Brat Child: She's the leader of the Cats.
Me: The Cats?
Brat Child: yeah, that's what the girls call themselves: The Cats and Autumn is their leader.
Me: So you boys are running so The Cats don't get you.
Brat Child: Yeah
Poppy: Watch out they don't get their claws in you! Then you'll never get away.

Bingo Fever

While discussing the Bingo Night held at his elementary School:

Brat Child: Does the Intermediate School have Bingo Night?

Me: I have no idea. They didn't when your sister went there.

Brat Child: Well if they don't, I'm quitting.

Me: Quitting what?

Brat Child: I'm quitting school.

Me: Because they don't have Bingo Night?

Brat Child: Yes

Me: You can't quit school just because they don't have bingo.

Brat Child: You should be able to because it's a lot of fun. I really like bingo and if they don't have it in the next school, I'm quitting.

Later during bingo....

Brat Child: I have the BINGO FEVER!

Playground Love

 

Brat Child: You remember Ashlyn?
Me: Wasn't she your girlfriend last year or something?
Brat Child: Yeah. She was chasing me around at recess.
Me: That usually means a girl likes you.
Brat Child: Mom!
Me: What? I'm a girl, I know these things.
Brat Child: Yeah, I have to help Cameron because this other girl, Ashly, like Ashlyn but not it's Ashly, she was like chasing him and I was running for my life from Ashlyn and I had to help Cameron and I was like run!run! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Me: Wow, that was pretty intense.
Brat Child: I know. It was life or death and that girl almost got me. 

Knots

Ethan learned some knots at Scouts one night. The following morning this was the conversation: 

Brat Child:Where's my rope? 

Me: Why? 

Brat Child: I need it for daycare. 

Me: Why? 

Brat Child: To tie some people up. 

Me:You aren't tying people up. 

Brat Child: But I know knots now! 

Me: I don't think that was the idea behind learning knots at scouts.

Vampires

Brat Child: Vampires are real 
Me: Oh yeah? 
Brat Child: Yeah because they turn into bats and I saw a bat flying before. 
(so if there are bats there are vampires)

Who to Trust

Brat Child: Never trust a Hobo.
Me: A Hobo?
Brat Child: Yeah, don't trust them. If you, like, pick one up in your car he'll probably steal your car.
Me: So never trust a Hobo.
Brat Child: Right.
Grandma: Where did you get your distrust of Hobos.
Brat Child: I watched this movie that had Hobos and trains.
Midge: What movie? Who let you watch it? (thinking it was something he shouldn't watch)
Brat Child: It wasn't inappropriate.
Me: What was it about?
Brat Child: About a train with a hobo that's going to see Santa Claus.
Me: You mean The Polar Express??
Brat Child: Yeah!
Grandma: You watch my one of my favorite movies and you come away with the message to never trust Hobos??
Brat Child: Yeah. Never trust 'em.

College Roommates

Brat Child: When I go to college I want a girl roommate 
Grandma: They don't let girls and boys room together 
Brat Child: But I want to kiss the girl!

Geography

Brat Child: Mexico is bigger than Midge's butt but Midge's butt is bigger than Canada.

(Midge is his older sister)

War

Not sure what prompted this conversation... 

Me: Boys don't ever hit girls. 
Brat Child: Except when they're bothering you. 
Me: No, never, boys never hit girls. 
Brat Child: Unless they hit you first. 
Me: No, NEVER, boys don't hit girls. 
Brat Child(after a moment of silence): Unless it's a war and the girl is on the other team in the battle. Then you can shoot them.

Lots of Girlfriends

Brat Child: Do people have to get married when they get older? 

Me: No 

Brat Child: Oh good, cuz I want to have lots of girlfriends when I get bigger (Oh Lord have mercy!)

He's a Spitter!

 

Midge: Some guy was hitting on me at work.

Brat Child: He was spitting on you? Like spit from his mouth??!
Midge: No Hitting on me.
Brat Child: He was hitting you!?

Gassy

Says it all, really.

Cannibalism

 During a recent trip to the National Museum of Natural History,

we came across an exhibit about the skeletons found at the Jamestown.

In case you aren't up on the news about Jamestown,

the skeletons confirmed a long held belief 

that during the starving years, they cannibalized the dead.

I was explaining this to the Brat Child

(or rather I was discussing it with another adult when the Brat Child eavesdropped)

Brat Child: What's canon ball ism?

Me: It's where people eat other people.

We continued to another exhibit from Jamestown where the skeleton had an arrow point in his thigh bone.

The Brat Child was fascinated.

Me: You know, we can go to Jamestown when we go on vacation if you want.

Brat Child: Do they still eat people there???

BOGO

Poppy: Nothing is free
Brat Child: Oh yeah? What about Buy One Get One Free??!

Dowry

Brat Child: Can I marry you mom?
Me: No, we've talked about this, it's illegal.
Brat Child: Oh yeah, but I can marry my cousin.
Me: Technically, yes.
Brat Child: That's good because Kelly is single. And she has an XBOX.

Cruise

Me: On vacation we should take a cruise to Tangier Island.
Brat Child: What's that?
Me: An island in the Bay. You take an hour and a half boat ride to get there.
Brat Child: Okay, but I hope there's no icebergs.
Me: No icebergs.
Brat Child: I hope you're right because you know what happened the last time there were icebergs on a cruise... PEOPLE DIED!

Getting Married

 

 Brat Child: I want to marry you, Mom
Me: You can't, it's illegal. You can't marry your sister either. You can marry a cousin though in some states.
Brat Child: No you can't.
Me: Yes you can
Brat Child: No way, I bet you lots of dollars you can't.
Me: Yup you could marry Kelly in some states (Looking up information) You can marry your cousin in Maryland and Virginia but not West Virginia where she lives.
Brat Child: Guess she's gonna have to move.

Getting Rich

Brat Child: We should be rich
Me: I agree, but it isn't easy.
Brat Child:  I have an idea!
Me: What?
Brat Child: We sell eggs!
Me: I think it might take a lot of eggs to do that.
Brat Child: So we get some more chickens and we sell the eggs for like $100.
Me: A dozen?
Brat Child: No, for each egg.  Then we'll be rich!
(If only it was that simple.) 
A few days later...

Brat Child: We need a big house.
Me: Houses are expensive and require a lot of money.
Brat Child(in his "I told you so" tone): I told you how to get money, Mom, you need to sell the eggs!

I Know Karate

A couple of weeks ago, the Brat Child, myself and my cousin planned a little ghost hunting excursion. 

One of the places we were thinking of checking out was in a not-so-good area of town.

Miss Patsy: I wouldn't go to those cemeteries, there's a bad element in that area.
Kelly: That's the point of ghost hunting.
Miss Patsy: I mean bad people, drugs and gangs.
Me: That's fine, we can skip it.
Brat Child: I know karate!
Me: Yeah
Brat Child: I can protect us because I know karate.
Me: I bet you could but there's only one of you and Kelly and I don't know karate.
Brat Child: I can show you some moves.
Me: I don't think we could learn in time.
Brat Child: Here's a kick and if someone grabs you you do this (demonstrating his moves)
Me: You're pretty good but what if they have a gun?
Brat Child: Then I kick them in the privates and make them drop it.

Really he has an answer for everything.

Different

Last weekend, the Brat Child and I visited with my cousin and aunt. 

My cousin made sure we had lots of goodies to indulge in...

Kelly: I got root beer for root beer floats!

Brat Child: I don't like root beer

Kelly: You don't like root beer? I don't know anyone who doesn't like root beer!

Brat Child (in a very condescending "don't you know anything" tone): Everyone is different.

Back Wash

One day while I was working outside...

Brat Child: Can I have some of your water?
Me: Sure, as long as you don't back wash in it.
Brat Child (looking puzzled and rubbing his back): My back's dry.

Zombie Vampire Tick

Last night, I discovered a deer tick on me that had been there a couple of days.  The Brat Child watched while it was pulled off and the area cleaned.  He listened to his grandfather suggest that I call my doctor because of the threat of Lyme's Disease.  Later while tucking him in for the night....

Brat Child: What's that disease thing?
Me: It's called Lyme's disease, it's something some ticks carry.
Brat Child: Are you going to get that disease?
Me: Maybe maybe not, I'll talk to the doctor about medicine.
Brat Child: If you get it, are you going to start biting people and sucking their blood?

(He seemed a little too excited about the prospect)

Feeling Older

Today the Brat Child turns 7.  How time flies when you're cracking up...

I asked if he felt older...

Brat Child: Yes, soon I'll need you to buy me a car.
Me: Oh
Brat Child: I'm a little taller today too.

Messy Hair

Me: My hair is a mess

Brat Child: Yeah.

Me: Hey! When a girl says something like her hair is messy you're supposed to say "No, Dear, you look beautiful"

Brat Child: But you told me not to lie!!

Lady's Man

To occupy the Brat Child while grocery shopping, I gave him my phone. 

 I caught him saying things like, 

"Hey, Girls" and "Hey Baby" 

prior to snapping these CamWow altered shots.

Lost Tooth

It's that time.  

The time when teeth are loose and the tooth fairy is on high alert.

About a week ago, 

the Brat Child lost a tooth

that he promptly swallowed along with the pretzel that pried it loose.  

When he returned home from school...

Brat Child: Mom, I'm gonna go in the bathroom to poop.

Me: Okay?

Brat Child: You're gonna haffta come in. I need you to get my tooth.

Me: (with realization dawning) Oh, no, the tooth fairy will still give you money. Trust me.

After losing the latest tooth (and creating the gap seen above) I said he looked cute.

Brat Child: No, Mom, I look like a Hell Belly*

*Hill Billy

Tricky Punch

Beware if a 6 year old tells you there's something on your shirt.  

Here the Brat Child pops his grandfather in the eye.

Wedding Job

I recently became engaged, and I asked The Brat Child 

what job he might like to have at the wedding. 

His reply- "How 'bout if I take off my shirt and dance?!"

Kisses

Brat Child: Where are you going?
Me: Out to dinner.
Brat Child: Oooo are you going to kiss?
Me: Nah, kissing is sloppy.
Brat Child: I know they're super slimy like a snail .

Happy Valentine's Day!

Handcuffs: Part 2

Last week, a local police officer visited The Brat Child's Cub Scout Pack.  

The Officer pulled out his handcuffs to show the boys and let them pass them around.  

Upon seeing the handcuffs, the Brat Child yelled, 

"My Aunt Carrie has a pair of those in her bedroom!"

Handcuffs- Part 1

One day my family gathered at my sister's new house to help her with some landscape work. 

My mom went into my sister's room to change into work clothes 

and came out holding a pair of costume handcuffs.  

We laughed.  

Later that evening, the Brat Child was playing video games with his grandfather.  

His grandfather kept winning and the Brat Child turned to him and said, 

"If you don't stop, I'm going to go get the handcuffs out of Aunt Carrie's bedroom!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

Such a shame that I didn't get a photo of my dad's face.

Cheating

Brat Child: Do you like Justin Bieber?
Grandma: No
Brat Child: Me either, he cheats on girls.
Grandma: What does cheating on girls mean?
Brat Child: YOu know.
Grandma: You mean he cheats when he plays games?
Brat Child: Yes. And he dates a lot of girls and stuff.

How in the world did he learn about cheating on girls at the age of 6?

Milk

While discussing milk last night during dinner....

Brat Child: I know a good way to make chocolate milk.  Get a white cow, put a cup under those things that the milk comes from, squeeze 'em and get some milk.  Then get a brown cow put the cup under the milk things and get some chocolate milk and mix them together.

Grandma: Do you know what the things are called that the milk comes from?

Brat Child: Yeah, nuts.

I don't think I'll be drinking milk anytime soon.

Lift Your Glass

At dinner one evening:

Brat Child: Howwa wooya
Me: Hallelujah?
Brat Child: yeah that's what people do before they drink. They hold their cup up and say Howwa wooya.
Me: In Germany they say eins, zwei, drei g'suffa or Zicke, zacke, zicke, zacke, hoi, hoi, hoi!
Brat Child: No, I'm pretty sure people say Howwa wooya!
Grandma: I'm sure they do.

Foreign Language

We went out for a family dinner the other night, and while the bill was being paid, 

The Brat Child and his aunt went outside.  

They were checking out the statues outside of the neighboring Chinese restaurant w

hen the owner from the restaurant came out.

Chinese Guy: What a nice looking boy (in a heavily accented English).
Aunt (to the Brat Child): What do you say?
Brat Child: Thank you.
Chinese Guy: What's your name?(in a heavily accented English).
(the Brat Child looks at his aunt)
Aunt: Tell him your name.

The Brat Child tells the guy his name and the guy goes back in his restaurant. 

Brat Child: Aunt Carrie, do you speak Chinese?
Aunt: No
Brat Child: Then how did you know what he was saying?

Church Drawing

After picking up the Brat Child from his Sunday School classroom he showed me the picture he drew.

Me: That looks cool
Brat Child: Yeah, it's Lego men and they're holding bombs.

Nothing like a drawing of warmongering Lego men to brighten up a Sunday School class.

Runaway Bunny

An old post from my other blog:

Christmas 2009, The Brat Child received this adorable black bunny for Christmas.  The Brat Child, being an avid fan of Spiderman and all his counterparts, named the new addition Venom (for those of you who are not avid fans of Spiderman, Venom is the villain who looks like a black Spiderman).  The Brat Child loved his new friend.  Venom liked to hop around the couch, climbing all over anyone who was sitting there and even playing "games" like jump-on-the-head-of-the-unsuspecting-human-and-run-away.  We all loved Venom.  We liked him so much, I lost hold of my senses was convinced Venom would be happier with a friend, and in the end came home with not A friend but TWO friends. 

We played with our bunnies and all was right in the world.  Sadly in late spring, tragedy struck.  We lost all three of our bunnies to what we believe was bad food (I'll spare the discussion of a certain fungus).  I wasn't sure how to handle telling the Brat Child.  My mom suggested I not mention anything right away and when I had to, tell him they all ran away. 

Skip ahead to May.....

The Brat Child, Midge and I are in the grocery store shopping for items for the Brat Child's 4th birthday party.  While in the produce section, BC starts filling the cart with carrots.  I tell him I don't need any and he says, "Venom do.  Venom told me he needs carrots."  So here I was faced with the dilemma of telling the poor child his bunny ran away on the day of his birthday party. Wonderful.

Me: Honey, Venom and the other bunnies ran away

Brat Child: No him didn't

Me: Yes, he did

Brat Child: You have to find him!

Me: I can't find him.

Brat Child: Tell Dad to get in him car and drive around and call him name!

Me: Honey, bunnies don't come when they are called, you can't find him like that.

Brat Child: Yes you can! Him know his name!

At this point, people are staring and Midge and I are near tears ourselves at the sight of the Brat Child in the throes of despair.

Me: OK, I will find Venom.

Brat Child and Midge: You will? (obviously one of them was a little more incredulous than the other)

Me: Yes, I will, let's get in the car.

Midge: Mom, how exactly does one find a dead, er, lost bunny?

Me: No idea.

So we get to the car and I start thinking.  I decide to contact the pet store where Venom came from.  Of course, he came from a pet store an hour away because the Brat Child asked for a black bunny and it was the only store that had one at the time.  I get the number for the store and call.

Me: Yes, I was wondering if you have any black bunnies?

Sales Girl: Let me check. Yes, we have 2.

Me: Fabulous! Is there any way you can hold one for me? I'm driving there RIGHT NOW but it will take me an hour to get there.

Girl: We don't typically do holds on animals.

Me: I understand but here's the deal.  My 4 year old son's bunny RAN AWAY and you just called me and told me you FOUND HIS BUNNY. And it's my son's birthday today.

Girl: Hold on one second for me.

Manager: Ma'am?

Me: Yes?

Manager: We can't technically hold the bunny for you, but under the circumstances, I will tell the staff to deter anyone from buying the black bunnies.

Me: Bless You!

So we high tailed it to the pet store.  I left the Brat Child in the car with Midge while I went in to make my purchase.  I knew the Brat Child would be too smart to allow him to see money change hands, plus I was unsure what would happen.  I walked in and was escorted to the bunnies to discover that these bunnies were lionhead/dwarf mix bunnies.  That means they have long hair around their head.  Venom didn't have ANY long hair.  Great.  So I picked the one that had the least amount of hair and took him outside all the while muttering about how I was going to explain the extra hair. 

Once outside, I presented "Venom" to the Brat Child who cried from happiness at having his bunny back.

Brat Child: Mom, why do him have hair?

Me: Well, he was gone so long he grew a beard.

Brat Child: Venom! You all growed up with a beard!

(at this point I am thanking whatever powers that be that my son felt that rabbits growing beards was perfectly normal and reasonable)

Brat Child: Mom, why him have this white on him feet?

The New Venom hanging with Ethan

Me: (just noticing the tiny white tips on the paws) Well, that's from his spiderwebs.

Brat Child: Venom has spiderwebs! All Right!

Since that time, the Brat Child has concocted an elaborate story on how Venom ran away and how he managed to run away clear over a mountain.  It's quite simple really- he drove a tractor.  Venom has somewhat of a star status around these parts.  He's made several appearances at daycare where the kids ask me exactly how Venom managed to drive the tractor when he can't reach the pedals.  I simply say nothing and let all the kids reason it out.  They usually come up with some idea that satisfies their questions.

Me, I'm just glad it all worked out, and I hope that we don't have any more episodes of runaway bunnies.

My Education

The Brat Child: Mom, I put those stickers there on your table so you could learn about Angry Birds in Space for when you get it on your phone.  You're welcome.