Big Bad Wolf

While taking the dogs out before bed one night- 

Brat Child: Mom, let's hurry up before that wolf shows up. 
Me: Uh, Wolf?? 
Brat Child Yeah, the wolf in the field me and Grandma saw a couple times. 
Me: Oh, yeah, the wolf (realizing he's talking about a small red fox)

Progress

Brat Child: Eenie meenie miny mo, TEXT a tiger 
Me: I think it's CATCH a tiger by his toe. 
Brat Child: No, Mom, it's TEXT a tiger by his toe 

(oh how things have changed)

A Blueberry by Any Other Name...

 One night someone passed gas in the car....

Brat Child: That stinks. It can't be mom it doesn't smell like her farts.
Big E: What do her farts smell like?
Brat Child: Blueberries

Blood Paint

While painting the chicken coop a couple of years ago... 

Brat Child: This looks like blood is that why you picked this color paint? 
Me: um, no it's barn red 
Brat Child: I think any animals that want to eat the chickens will see this blood paint and think the chickens are already dead and go away. Zombies too. Good thinkin' Mom. 

(what can I say, I'm a genius)

At Rest?

Brat Child: I bet dead people hate when it snows.
Me: Why?
Brat Child: Because I bet it's cold with all that snow on top of you.

Sixteen Pack Abs

While playing Apples to Apples...

Brat Child:I'm sexy because I have a keg.(lifts shirt)

 I have a keg right here.

I think a 16 pack is the most you can get

because I have a 16 pack right here (slaps stomach).

Accidental Biter

 A long time ago when the Brat Child was about 3:

Me: Did you bite someone at daycare? 
Brat Child: yes, but by accident. 
Me: How do you bite someone by accident? 
Brat Child: This boy hit me so hard and I couldn't see my mouth and it just bite him.

Cat and Mouse

Brat Child: When you're in the playground, you gotta stay far away from Autumn.
Me: Why? What's wrong with Autumn?
Brat Child: She's the leader of the Cats.
Me: The Cats?
Brat Child: yeah, that's what the girls call themselves: The Cats and Autumn is their leader.
Me: So you boys are running so The Cats don't get you.
Brat Child: Yeah
Poppy: Watch out they don't get their claws in you! Then you'll never get away.

Bingo Fever

While discussing the Bingo Night held at his elementary School:

Brat Child: Does the Intermediate School have Bingo Night?

Me: I have no idea. They didn't when your sister went there.

Brat Child: Well if they don't, I'm quitting.

Me: Quitting what?

Brat Child: I'm quitting school.

Me: Because they don't have Bingo Night?

Brat Child: Yes

Me: You can't quit school just because they don't have bingo.

Brat Child: You should be able to because it's a lot of fun. I really like bingo and if they don't have it in the next school, I'm quitting.

Later during bingo....

Brat Child: I have the BINGO FEVER!

Knots

Ethan learned some knots at Scouts one night. The following morning this was the conversation: 

Brat Child:Where's my rope? 

Me: Why? 

Brat Child: I need it for daycare. 

Me: Why? 

Brat Child: To tie some people up. 

Me:You aren't tying people up. 

Brat Child: But I know knots now! 

Me: I don't think that was the idea behind learning knots at scouts.

Who to Trust

Brat Child: Never trust a Hobo.
Me: A Hobo?
Brat Child: Yeah, don't trust them. If you, like, pick one up in your car he'll probably steal your car.
Me: So never trust a Hobo.
Brat Child: Right.
Grandma: Where did you get your distrust of Hobos.
Brat Child: I watched this movie that had Hobos and trains.
Midge: What movie? Who let you watch it? (thinking it was something he shouldn't watch)
Brat Child: It wasn't inappropriate.
Me: What was it about?
Brat Child: About a train with a hobo that's going to see Santa Claus.
Me: You mean The Polar Express??
Brat Child: Yeah!
Grandma: You watch my one of my favorite movies and you come away with the message to never trust Hobos??
Brat Child: Yeah. Never trust 'em.

College Roommates

Brat Child: When I go to college I want a girl roommate 
Grandma: They don't let girls and boys room together 
Brat Child: But I want to kiss the girl!

Geography

Brat Child: Mexico is bigger than Midge's butt but Midge's butt is bigger than Canada.

(Midge is his older sister)

War

Not sure what prompted this conversation... 

Me: Boys don't ever hit girls. 
Brat Child: Except when they're bothering you. 
Me: No, never, boys never hit girls. 
Brat Child: Unless they hit you first. 
Me: No, NEVER, boys don't hit girls. 
Brat Child(after a moment of silence): Unless it's a war and the girl is on the other team in the battle. Then you can shoot them.

Lots of Girlfriends

Brat Child: Do people have to get married when they get older? 

Me: No 

Brat Child: Oh good, cuz I want to have lots of girlfriends when I get bigger (Oh Lord have mercy!)

He's a Spitter!

 

Midge: Some guy was hitting on me at work.

Brat Child: He was spitting on you? Like spit from his mouth??!
Midge: No Hitting on me.
Brat Child: He was hitting you!?

Cannibalism

 During a recent trip to the National Museum of Natural History,

we came across an exhibit about the skeletons found at the Jamestown.

In case you aren't up on the news about Jamestown,

the skeletons confirmed a long held belief 

that during the starving years, they cannibalized the dead.

I was explaining this to the Brat Child

(or rather I was discussing it with another adult when the Brat Child eavesdropped)

Brat Child: What's canon ball ism?

Me: It's where people eat other people.

We continued to another exhibit from Jamestown where the skeleton had an arrow point in his thigh bone.

The Brat Child was fascinated.

Me: You know, we can go to Jamestown when we go on vacation if you want.

Brat Child: Do they still eat people there???

BOGO

Poppy: Nothing is free
Brat Child: Oh yeah? What about Buy One Get One Free??!

Cruise

Me: On vacation we should take a cruise to Tangier Island.
Brat Child: What's that?
Me: An island in the Bay. You take an hour and a half boat ride to get there.
Brat Child: Okay, but I hope there's no icebergs.
Me: No icebergs.
Brat Child: I hope you're right because you know what happened the last time there were icebergs on a cruise... PEOPLE DIED!

Getting Married

 

 Brat Child: I want to marry you, Mom
Me: You can't, it's illegal. You can't marry your sister either. You can marry a cousin though in some states.
Brat Child: No you can't.
Me: Yes you can
Brat Child: No way, I bet you lots of dollars you can't.
Me: Yup you could marry Kelly in some states (Looking up information) You can marry your cousin in Maryland and Virginia but not West Virginia where she lives.
Brat Child: Guess she's gonna have to move.