Shooting Spiders

For some time, we were noticing that someone was having some trouble with their aim in the bathroom.

I, of course, talked to the Brat Child about making sure to get it all in the toilet.

A few days later, I noticed that a small cup used to catch condensation from the shut off valve behind the toilet was full.  Not with condensation.

 

Me: Are you aiming for that little cup behind the toilet? (because if he was, he had incredible aim)

Brat Child: No, there was a spider.

Me: Did the spider make you jump or something? 

Brat Child: No, there's a spider under that silver thing (the shut off valve).  I was trying to kill it.

Me: Pee does not kill spiders! Pee goes in the toilet!
 

Later that evening I mentioned to my mother what I had discovered.

Mom: When I cleaned back there, I found a spider. It was dead.

Me: Good Lord! Don't tell him that!

Spiders

While doing his reading homework about wolf spiders, the Brat Child pointed to the egg case and said, 

"Oh my shoot! This spider has nuts!"

Going on a Cruise

Me: I'd like to take a cruise to the Bahamas
Brat Child: I'd like to take a cruise.
Me: Oh yeah?
Brat Child: As long as there aren't any icebergs.

(seriously, I can't remember ever discussing the Titanic with him)

Being Thankful

Midge: What are you thankful for?
Brat Child: I'm 'thank you for' HOT WOMEN!
Grandma: Do you even know what being a hot woman means?
Brat Child: Yeah, it means I want to kiss them.

Girlfriend

Uncle Lunchbox: Do you have a girlfriend?
Brat Child: I used to.
Me: She broke up with him.
Brat Child: No, I broke up with her.
Me: That's always what the guys say.
Brat Child: My friend didn't have any girlfriends so I gave her to him.  They're planning on having kids I think.

Going Native

Brat Child: Can I scalp Midge?
Me: No, you can't scalp your sister.
Brat Child: But I miss her! I want to scalp her tonight!
Me: Oh, you mean Skype her.
Brat Child: That's what I SAID! So can I? Scalp her?

This Post is Going Downhill

The Brat Child: Mama Mia!
Me: Do you know the song that goes with that?
Brat Child: No
Me: Mama Mia, Papa Pia, baby's got the diarrhea!
Brat Child: Awesome!
Me: Have you ever heard the Diarrhea Song?
Brat Child: No! What is it?!
Big E: Oh, God!

(It's obvious that the Brat Child doesn't fall far from the Momma tree.)

Diarrhea Song

When you're sliding into first
and you feel a sudden burst
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

When you're sliding into two
and your pants fill with goo
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

When you're sliding into third
and you feel a sudden turd
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

When you're sliding into home
and you're pants are full of foam
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

There are many more verses, and many you could make yourself.... to satisfy your inner Brat Child.