Big Bad Wolf

While taking the dogs out before bed one night- 

Brat Child: Mom, let's hurry up before that wolf shows up. 
Me: Uh, Wolf?? 
Brat Child Yeah, the wolf in the field me and Grandma saw a couple times. 
Me: Oh, yeah, the wolf (realizing he's talking about a small red fox)

Progress

Brat Child: Eenie meenie miny mo, TEXT a tiger 
Me: I think it's CATCH a tiger by his toe. 
Brat Child: No, Mom, it's TEXT a tiger by his toe 

(oh how things have changed)

A Blueberry by Any Other Name...

 One night someone passed gas in the car....

Brat Child: That stinks. It can't be mom it doesn't smell like her farts.
Big E: What do her farts smell like?
Brat Child: Blueberries

I'll Take a Salmonella Roll

Let me preface this by saying that the Brat Child is a picky eater.  Very picky.  He eats hot dogs, pancakes, chicken nuggets, french fries and grilled cheese.  His vegetable of choice is ketchup (and peas straight from the garden.) And while he is forced (under much duress) to eat vegetables and fruits and yogurt, basically he is stuck in his ways and rarely tries something new.  Actual sushi would be way outside the realm of possible foods he would allow in his personal space.

Brat Child (to Grandma): I had sushi from the gas station! 
Grandma: Oh yeah? Sushi? 
Brat Child: yeah I liked it. We should all go get some sushi from the gas station!
Me(to Grandma): He had a slushy, not sushi.

Blood Paint

While painting the chicken coop a couple of years ago... 

Brat Child: This looks like blood is that why you picked this color paint? 
Me: um, no it's barn red 
Brat Child: I think any animals that want to eat the chickens will see this blood paint and think the chickens are already dead and go away. Zombies too. Good thinkin' Mom. 

(what can I say, I'm a genius)

Work

Brat Child: I don't like going to school.
Me: I know, but school is important if you want a good job.
Brat Child: (what I thought he said) I hope I don't have to drive over any bridges
Me: Just close your eyes.
Brat Child: I SAID what if I work on bridges? I'd frow up or something.
Me: Then don't work on bridges.
Brat Child: yeah, that's a good idea.  What job should I do?
Me: What do you want to do?
Brat Child: Some people win money.
Me: You want to win money as your job?
Brat Child: Well I might have some kind of job to go to but I think I just want to work at winning money.  And selling eggs.

At Rest?

Brat Child: I bet dead people hate when it snows.
Me: Why?
Brat Child: Because I bet it's cold with all that snow on top of you.

Sixteen Pack Abs

While playing Apples to Apples...

Brat Child:I'm sexy because I have a keg.(lifts shirt)

 I have a keg right here.

I think a 16 pack is the most you can get

because I have a 16 pack right here (slaps stomach).

The Nativity

The Brat Child loves putting out the Nativity

also known as "The Jesus People"

He enjoys using them as army men

and having a battle. 

Do You Believe?

Brat Child: Some of my friends don't believe in Santa.
Me: Some people don't.
Brat Child: They think their mom does it all, but how could their mom be everywhere in one night?
Me: I don't know. Some people don't believe something if they can't see it. Have you ever seen a million dollars?
Brat Child: No
Me: But there is such a thing as a million dollars right?
Brat Child: Yeah
Me: Right, even though you've never seen it, you still know that it's real.
Brat Child: I get it! Like Bigfoot! Some people don't think he's real but he is because there are people who have seen Bigfoot.  Bigfoot and Santa are just the same!

It's an Angel, It's a Bird.. No! It's Mothman!

Me: Oh, here's the angel you made last year at Sunday School.
Brat Child: Angel?
Me: Here, see, the one with the Bible verse on the back.
Brat Child: That's Mothman.
Me: Mothman? I'm sure it's an angel.
Brat Child: No, that's Mothman.

Read about Mothman here
(Let's not ask about that interesting blue line....)

Accidental Biter

 A long time ago when the Brat Child was about 3:

Me: Did you bite someone at daycare? 
Brat Child: yes, but by accident. 
Me: How do you bite someone by accident? 
Brat Child: This boy hit me so hard and I couldn't see my mouth and it just bite him.

Cat and Mouse

Brat Child: When you're in the playground, you gotta stay far away from Autumn.
Me: Why? What's wrong with Autumn?
Brat Child: She's the leader of the Cats.
Me: The Cats?
Brat Child: yeah, that's what the girls call themselves: The Cats and Autumn is their leader.
Me: So you boys are running so The Cats don't get you.
Brat Child: Yeah
Poppy: Watch out they don't get their claws in you! Then you'll never get away.

Bingo Fever

While discussing the Bingo Night held at his elementary School:

Brat Child: Does the Intermediate School have Bingo Night?

Me: I have no idea. They didn't when your sister went there.

Brat Child: Well if they don't, I'm quitting.

Me: Quitting what?

Brat Child: I'm quitting school.

Me: Because they don't have Bingo Night?

Brat Child: Yes

Me: You can't quit school just because they don't have bingo.

Brat Child: You should be able to because it's a lot of fun. I really like bingo and if they don't have it in the next school, I'm quitting.

Later during bingo....

Brat Child: I have the BINGO FEVER!

Playground Love

 

Brat Child: You remember Ashlyn?
Me: Wasn't she your girlfriend last year or something?
Brat Child: Yeah. She was chasing me around at recess.
Me: That usually means a girl likes you.
Brat Child: Mom!
Me: What? I'm a girl, I know these things.
Brat Child: Yeah, I have to help Cameron because this other girl, Ashly, like Ashlyn but not it's Ashly, she was like chasing him and I was running for my life from Ashlyn and I had to help Cameron and I was like run!run! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Me: Wow, that was pretty intense.
Brat Child: I know. It was life or death and that girl almost got me. 

Knots

Ethan learned some knots at Scouts one night. The following morning this was the conversation: 

Brat Child:Where's my rope? 

Me: Why? 

Brat Child: I need it for daycare. 

Me: Why? 

Brat Child: To tie some people up. 

Me:You aren't tying people up. 

Brat Child: But I know knots now! 

Me: I don't think that was the idea behind learning knots at scouts.

Vampires

Brat Child: Vampires are real 
Me: Oh yeah? 
Brat Child: Yeah because they turn into bats and I saw a bat flying before. 
(so if there are bats there are vampires)

Who to Trust

Brat Child: Never trust a Hobo.
Me: A Hobo?
Brat Child: Yeah, don't trust them. If you, like, pick one up in your car he'll probably steal your car.
Me: So never trust a Hobo.
Brat Child: Right.
Grandma: Where did you get your distrust of Hobos.
Brat Child: I watched this movie that had Hobos and trains.
Midge: What movie? Who let you watch it? (thinking it was something he shouldn't watch)
Brat Child: It wasn't inappropriate.
Me: What was it about?
Brat Child: About a train with a hobo that's going to see Santa Claus.
Me: You mean The Polar Express??
Brat Child: Yeah!
Grandma: You watch my one of my favorite movies and you come away with the message to never trust Hobos??
Brat Child: Yeah. Never trust 'em.

College Roommates

Brat Child: When I go to college I want a girl roommate 
Grandma: They don't let girls and boys room together 
Brat Child: But I want to kiss the girl!

Geography

Brat Child: Mexico is bigger than Midge's butt but Midge's butt is bigger than Canada.

(Midge is his older sister)